搞笑英语话剧剧本

我们班刚演过 ，获得了系里一等奖(孔雀东南飞 英语搞笑剧本) 虽然人物多了一个，可以有群众演员嘛

焦仲卿johnny(jforshort)

刘兰芝lunch(lforshort)

焦母johnny’s mother(jmforshort)

刘母lunch’s mother(lmforshort)

太守之子mayor’sson(msforshort)

强盗burglars(abandc)

prologue 序幕

(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)

j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小声)while my

wife is wusong

译：人人都说我怕老婆，实际上我是老虎，（小声）我妻子是武松。

(指着上台处的门大声道)i’m not afraid of you!

译：我才不怕你呢！

(内砸出一脸盆,j接住当成盾牌护着头)then, i’m afraid of whom! my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hoodshe is braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me all this i donot care i only want she to be tender than me but she is not! having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!

译：谁怕谁啊！在邻里中，我妻子是最有名气的。她比我勇敢、比我聪明、比我强壮。我也不在乎这些。我只觉得她该对我温柔些，但是她却不懂温柔！有这样的太太就像活在地狱中啊！

(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)

my god! who can help me(下)

译：我的天！谁来救救我啊？

act1 第一幕

(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)

jm(拄拐棍上):i can!

(对门内)lunch! lunch! where are you

l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):i’m here! what’s up ，mum

jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother in law”

l:okmy most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up

jm:since you married my son you have be havedso badlyyou have been so rude, so brusque,so

lazy……

l:but……

jm:never interrupt me!

l:never interrupt me! since i married your son, that terrible johnny,i have been working hard all

daylong,cooking and washing i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken

and……

jm:but all those you have done arenot asvaluable as a grandson!

l(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh,you want a grandson,don’t you(开始解围裙)go and ask your son i’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)

act2

(lm坐在台上打毛线,l拿着锅铲上)

l:mum, i’m back!

lm:you are backwhywhat happened

l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law

lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):see! i have already told you! when you insisted on

marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly tupid and poor, but you did not listen

to me look at yourself……

l:but,mum……

lm:never interrupt me!

l:mum,i’m not interrupting you i just want to tell you that you are always right ok and

i’ll marry whomever you want me to

lm(大喜):nice girl! just now, i met the mayor’s son in the markethe said:“if your daughter

haven’t been married,i really really want to marry her!”now you are free again, i ’ll go

and tell him(下)

l(惊愕):what the mayor’s sonthe most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood (手中的锅

铲掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)

act3

(j睡眼惺忪上)

j(边走边道):lunch! lunch! where are mysocks

(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)here they are!(闻一下) er! how smelly! they are still dirty!

(突然想起)lunch has gone! i have to wash them myself

(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)oh,i’m so hungry! but there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围

裙)this is what lunch always wears! i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill! now

she has gonei have to cook for my mother and myself

jm(上):where’s my breakfast where’slunchhasn’t she got up yet

j:mum, can’t you rememberlunch has gone!

jm(沉吟片刻):well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is suseless lunch is an ice

girl,go and take her back!

j(立正敬礼):yes madam!

act4

(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

a:hey you!stop and listen to us!

the road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

b:and i planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)

c:if you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了a的脚)

ab&c:give us all your money!

j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):is 1mao enough

(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)

a:what bad luck! this guy is broken!

b:if we cannot robany money today,we will havenot thing to eat tonight!

c:i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liulanzhi next monthwe can go and

rob the wedding!

a&b:good idea!

j(惊讶):what what lunch is going to get married it’s impossible!

ab&c:why a pretty girl and a richman,what a good couple!

j:but lunch is my wife! we haven’t got divorced yet!

(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’tyou i’ll go

with you you take the money and i take the bride

b:have you got any experience

j:no but i’ve got this!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)

act5

(转眼已到了婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，j盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

(j和三强盗跃至台中)

abc&j:hey you! stop and listen to us!

a:the road is built by me!

b:and i planted one tree

c:if you want to go by this street---

j:give us all your money!

(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)

l(惊喜万分):johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)

(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)

j(火冒三丈):how dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向ms冲去）

(j与ms混战，jm上，以拐杖击晕ms)

(j将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

j(扶起l，关切地问):honey, how are you

l(哭状):i hurt a lot!

j:don’t cry babyi’ll go and fetch the medicine (下)

l(起身去追):wait for me! (跑下)

搞笑英语话剧剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》

搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》

演员表：

西门吹雪

叶孤城

花满楼

king

旁白

道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。

第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠

旁白：A quiet village is covered with white snow

Bird sare dancing in the cold

Aman is walking along the street ,step by step

Wind is coming in silence

Another mysterious man approaches

Y与X相遇．

X：oH ,I am sorry to knock you !

Y:Haha, Never mind bay bay

X:Excuseme， who are you on earth could you tell me your name

Y:ha ha ,I won’t change my name no matter what happens I’m the most famous——-YeGucheng Who are you

X:I am xi men chui xue

Y惊讶:Ar, xi men chui xue

X:Yes,what is wrong

Y:I heard that you are the besting Martial Arts

X:Great, you know me !

Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’t kill me! let me go!

X:No, I must kill you !

Y:I don't want to be killedThere are eighty-year-old mother and a three-year old son to belooked after by me!

X:No way! Because we are fighting now!you know

Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don't force me!

X:Pardon!

(Y拿出一袋牛奶)

X抢过牛奶:milk, very good! I like drinking it how do you know that

Y:please drink it!

X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha

Y:Do you still want to kill me

X:Sure, must! milk is milk

Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! very good! I hope you will not forget what you said!

X:I’m sure I won’t!

Y:I must give you a lesson! If I don't beat you this time, you’ll never behave properly! 3-2-1-0!

X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !

Y大笑：HaHa……

X可怜状: help! help! Where is the washroom

Y:What

X:Toliet

Y:What

X:The “WC”

Y:Oh,I see ,go along this street andturn right when you see acorssing road!

X:Thanks,byebye

Y掏出纸屑吹:This is genuirne snow!

H:Stop!Protecting the environment is abasicobligation!

Y:Who are you

H:Hua—man—-lou! Have you seen xi men chui xue

Y:Yes, he was beaten by me and is in“WC” now,ha……

H惊讶:Now you are the best in the world!

Y:You are right!

H:Teriffic! yo uare the one my king looking for! do you want join in us

Y:Yes,It’s very good

H:Ok, follow me, Let’s go to see my king!

Y:Ok,Let’s go!

第二幕：无间道

H:My honest ! let me introduce yegucheng to you! （指Y） this is yegucheng

K:sit down plese, yegucheng

H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Yegucheng! Do you want to follow my king no matter what happens such as cold,headache,sair and aids

Y: Yes,I do

K: Hua man lou, come put the ring on his finger!（音乐停）

X唱着上:Only you……(看到戒子) this ring should be mine!

K:But who are you why should it belong to you

Y急切: king! dear king!I must go now,my brother is looking for me!huoxi(维语再见)

K:huoxi What does that mean It is not English, isn’t it

Y:How clever……

X冷酷:yegucheng! come here!I want to tell you some thing!

Y抱X的腿:old brother ! Forgive me!

X:Forgive me Why

Y: Once there was a change before me,I lost it Ifthe god give me a chance, I’ll tell you“I love you”,If there must be a limited period,I hope it is thousand year!

X:You shall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s“WC”!

Y:Ilikegoinglady’s WC I……I……IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike(Y又拿出一袋牛奶)

X: m-i-l-khaha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)

K: ayixidailuWhat’sthemeaning whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou

X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”

K:Don’t saythat“you love me” I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!

X:What (侧耳装着听不到) You—kill—-mecome, come…(X上去抓住K)

K:Fuckyou Imustkillyou!

X:Howcanyoukillme haha……

Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)

K: thankyouverymuch, yousaveme Now, I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou

haveavacation

Y:That’s good butthereisonemorething canyougivemea MM IwanttogoAmericanwithher

K:ofcouseYouaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha……

Y:Hahaha—–

H:Where’ssomewhere

K:What

Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s“WC”

X:Yes,I……I…… do

H顶着摇头：X,no, no， youcan’tgotoLady’s “WC” Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!

X: whatifI’mthebestintheword !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable whencanIgetmyfreedom mustbethedeadday !

K: youareright onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !

H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !

K; why whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou

H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng——the wifeofX I’maspy

K惊讶: !you—you—YouareLuXiaofeng X’wife

Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Xwilldie ,goandseehim ,please

H扑倒在X的身边：X,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !

K:what amoving story !I was impressed !

Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !

H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !

(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，K吓跑音乐《再见，警察》起)

Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you——help me I’ll never dothat again !(Y死，音乐停)

（X咳，H扑到身边，**《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）

H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together

X:gohome !

H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !

X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor… promise meyou will survive… that youwillnevergiveup… nomatter what happens… no matter howhopeless… promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise

H: I promise

X:Never let go

H:Ipromise Iwill never let go ,

XI””””ll never letgo(X死)

H:be alive !yeah , bealive ! bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死音乐停。）

眼霜作为眼部护理最有效的产品之一，广受全年龄段的男士女士欢迎，然而面对市面上众多的产品，到底哪一款才适合我们，哪一款是口碑最好的呢？下面是目前热度最高口碑爆表的眼霜，为您的购买提供参考。

兰蔻小黑瓶精华肌底眼部凝霜

一款早上用起来很舒服的眼霜。兰蔻家小黑瓶系列的热门款，主打小黑瓶肌底液同款的两大酵母精华，质地很轻薄好吸收，用起来也很舒服，能让眼周维持稳定的状态。

蜜能修护眼霜

这款是最值得推荐的眼霜了。很多美妆博主和化妆师都推荐过这个。蜜能采用的是国际一线化妆品品牌的供应商和成熟配方，主打高性价比，价格真的很美丽。对于我这种追求优质低价的是大爱啦~眼部各种问题，真的是可以轻松解决啦~如果你缺少一只好的眼霜，相信我你会爱上它的。

芭乐雅滚珠水凝保湿眼霜

滚珠设计，使用更方便，对眼部的刺激更小；富含矿物质、维他命E和维他命原B5；深层滋润，抚平小细干纹，阻止黑眼圈的形成 ，质地水漾轻盈，易于吸收。

APW精华面膜

被称为国货之光的面膜！必买清单第一名！亲测效果好。针对国人的皮肤特点研制的一款面膜，可以让肌肤细腻有光泽，贴完后第二天皮肤持久保湿。原料真的是和大牌相同供应商的，但是价格确是特别平价。之前很长一段时间被卖的缺货，相信我你用完后会喜欢的。

契尔氏牛油果眼霜

很基本的一款眼霜，没有任何功能，就是单纯的保湿，但是觉得有点太油，干皮用比较适合。

露得清紧致活力眼霜

从绿茶中萃取的EGCG抗氧化成分，协同能有效改善皱纹的精氨酸和赖氨酸多肽，显著淡化并预防眼周皱纹的产生，提升眼部肌肤的弹性与紧实度。 在花香中改善眼周肌肤的松弛症，提升眼部肌肤的弹性，增加眼部滋润度，预防皱纹的产生。

FORREST (voice-over) That Momma, she sure was right

It's funny how things work out

EXT BAYOU LA BATRE/BUBBA'S MOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Forrest walks up to a shack on the edge of the Bayou A group of black kids play in the front yard

FORREST (voice-over)

I didn't stay home for long, because I'd made a

promise to Bubba And I always try to keep my promise

So I went on down to Bayou La Batre to meet Bubba's

family and make their introduction

Bubba's mother named MRS BLUE and her other children look at Forrest

MRS BLUE Are you crazy, or just plain stupid

FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs Blue

MRS BLUE I guess

EXT BUBBA'S GRAVE - DAY

Forrest steps over to Bubba's tombstone

FORREST (voice-over)

And of course, I paid my respect to Bubba himself

FORREST Hey, Bubba, it's me, Forrest Gump I remember

everything you said, and I got it all figured out

Forrest pulls out notes from his pocket

FORREST I'm taking the twenty-four thousand, five hundred

and six-two dollars and forty-seven cents that I got

EXT BAYOU - DAY

Forrest walks across a yard where men are cleaning shrimp

FORREST (voice-over)

well, that's left after a new hair cut and a

new suit and I took Momma out to real fancy dinner

and I bought a bus ticket and three Doctor Peppers

Forrest walks along a wooden pier Forrest pays an old black shrimper a large wad of cash

OLD SHRIMPER Tell me something Are you stupid or something

FORREST Stupid is as stupid does, sir

EXT BUBBA'S GRAVE

Forrest stands at the grave

FORREST Well, that's what's left after me saying, "When I was

in China on the All-America Ping-Pong Team, I just

loved playing ping-pong with my Flex-O-Ping-Pong Paddle"

Which everybody knows it isn't true, but Momma says

it's just a little white lie so it wouldn't hurt nobody

So, anyway, I'm putting all that on gas, ropes and new

nets and a brand-new shrimpin' boat

EXT BAYOU - DAY

Forrest steers his shrimping boat The boat is old and rusty Forrest unleashes his nets as his catch of the day drops to the deck It is a bunch of garbage and shells Forrest picks up one shrimp

FORREST (voice-over)

Now, Bubba had told me everything he knows about shrimpin',

but you know what I found out Shrimpin' is tough

EXT DOCKS

Forrest pulls a couple of shrimp out of a bucket

FORREST I only caught five

OLD SHRIMPER A couple of more, you can have yourself a cocktail

The old shrimper begins to walk away, then stops and looks at Forrest

OLD SHRIMPER Hey, you ever think about namin' this old boat

FORREST (voice-over) I'd never named a boat before,

but there was only one I could think of

Forrest paints a name on the side of his boat The name is "Jenny"

FORREST (voice-over)

The most beautiful name in the wide world

译文：

福勒斯特(画外音),妈妈,但她绝对是对的。

这是有趣的事情怎么工作。

分机。河口啦BATRE /布巴的妈妈的家——的一天

福勒斯特走到一间小木屋在边缘的河口。一群黑人孩子踢前面的院子。

福勒斯特(画外音)

我没在家待太长时间,因为我犯了一个

保证布巴。我总是努力保持我的承诺。

所以我就下到河口啦Batre满足布巴的

家庭和使他们的介绍。

布巴的母亲给布鲁太太和她的其他孩子看,福勒斯特。

布鲁太太你是不是疯了,还是天生就这么蠢

福勒斯特蠢人做蠢事,夫人蓝色的。

布鲁太太我猜一猜。

分机。布巴的坟墓——天

福勒斯特步骤到布巴的墓碑上。

福勒斯特(画外音)

当然,我也去看望了布巴本人。

福勒斯特:嘿,布巴,是我,福勒斯特•甘普。我记得

你说的一切,我让所有事情都盘算好了。

福勒斯特从口袋里掏出笔记。

福勒斯特,我将花二万四千、五百

和六十二美元和美分,我得到……47个

分机。河口——天

福勒斯特横跨一个院子的男人都是清洁虾。

福勒斯特(画外音)

……嗯,这是一个新发型后留下的和

新衣服,我把妈妈去豪华晚宴

而我买了车票和三个医生辣椒。

福勒斯特沿着一个木制的码头。福勒斯特一个老黑shrimper支付一大把的钞票。

老SHRIMPER告诉我一些。你是蠢还是什么

福勒斯特蠢人做蠢事,先生。

分机。布巴的坟墓

福勒斯特站在坟墓。

福勒斯特好,那就是后留下的我、说、“我

中国乒乓球队,我All-America而已

我喜欢打乒乓球,Flex-O-Ping-Pong之中。”

,每个人都知道这不是真的,但是妈妈说的话吗

这只是一个小小的善意谎言,这样它就不会伤害到任何人。

所以,无论如何,我把所有的气体、绳子和新的

网、全新的shrimpin的船。

分机。河口——天

福勒斯特steers虾船。他这只船是古老而生锈。福勒斯特释放他的网作为他钓的一天滴到甲板上。它是一堆垃圾和贝壳。福勒斯特捡起一个虾。

福勒斯特(画外音)

现在,布巴曾告诉过我所有他知道的关于shrimpin ',

但你知道我发现吗Shrimpin”是很难的。

分机。码头

福勒斯特拉两虾的桶里。

阿甘我仅仅看到了五个。

一对老SHRIMPER更多的,你可以你有一个鸡尾酒会。

旧的shrimper开始走开,然后停止,看着,福勒斯特。

老SHRIMPER嘿,你曾经想过namin '这旧船吗

福勒斯特(画外音)我从未命名一艘船之前,

但是只有一个我能想到的。

福勒斯特漆边上的一名他的船。名称为“珍妮。”

福勒斯特(画外音)

最美丽的名字在这广阔的世界。

我今年15岁，中考刚刚结束，我的黑眼圈也很厉害，初三的这一年皮肤的质量每况愈下，我的皮肤较黑，不过没有粉刺，黑头，痘痘，所以我用的都是轻盈水润的，比如是雅诗缇丽的保湿水（夏天不用霜，太油腻了，很便宜的,只要198元），效果非常好，很长的时间皮肤都水水嫩嫩的。我也说过我的皮肤黑，所以我最近会涂粉，我用的是美宝莲89元的一种防晒粉（象牙白，像我这样皮皮不很白的，不能用瓷白色，白的扎眼了），记住涂粉前要涂一层防晒霜（SPF20的），用小护士的，不错，蛮清凉的，之后再涂粉，不会再伤皮肤了，如果有条件，可以再买隔离霜和紧肤水。切记的是一定要买卸妆油，比如雅芳的一种日本的，只要16元，喜欢啊!好了你还要记住啊,可以定期用一面膜,眼膜,效果惊人的好!不过晒后不能用美白的,要不皮肤就更不好了!反正皮肤在20岁以前才具有可逆性,20岁以后就没了,所以你不小了,我才15岁,真的不骗你的,以上是我的所有美肤方法,你可以尝试一下,一定有用的!~,祝你好运啊!~