这是一版搞笑版的《孔雀东南飞》，你可以节选一场。
焦仲卿Johnny (J for short) 刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)
焦母Johnny’s mother (JM for short) 刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)
太守之子Mayor’s son (MS for short) 强盗Burglars(A，B&C)
J: Everybody says that I'm henpecked, but in fact, I'm as strong as a tiger, while my wife is Wu Song
I'm not afraid of you!
My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me All this I do not care I only want her to be tender than me But she is not! Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
My God! Who can help me
Act1
旁白：就在我们可爱的仲卿遭受家庭暴力时，JM已将这一切尽收耳底。
JM:I can!
Lunch! Lunch! Where are you
L: I’m here! What’s up mum
JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”
L: OK My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up
JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy……
L: But……
JM: Never interrupt me!
L: Never interrupt me! Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all
day long, cooking and washing I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……
JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson! Grandson! Where’s my grandson
L: Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you Go and ask your son I’m leaving!
Act2
旁白：被婆婆赶出家门的兰芝一步一回头，三步两回头，无奈的回到了自己的家中。此时，LM正在家中跳舞，有请！
L: Mum, I’m back!
LM: You are back Why What happened
L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law
LM: See! I have already told you! When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me Look at yourself……
L: But, mum……
LM: Never interrupt me!
L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you I just want to tell you that you are always right OK And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to
LM: Nice girl! Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market He said:” If your daughter Haven’t been married, I really want to marry her! “Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him(下)
L: What The mayor’s son The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood What a silly thing I have done!(下)
Act3
旁白：没有了兰芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境，JM只好让仲卿将兰芝找回。听说去兰芝家的路上常有强盗出没。
A: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!
The road is built by me!
B: And I planted one tree!
C: If you want to go by this street---
AB&C: Give us all your money!
旁白：据可靠史料记载，当时，这把刀离他的喉咙只有001公分！
J: Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! I’ll give all my money to you! Is 1 mao enough
A: What bad luck!
B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!
C: I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month We can go and rob the wedding!
A&B: Good idea!
J: What What Lunch is going to get married It’s impossible!
AB&C: Why A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!
J: But Lunch is my wife! We haven’t got divorced yet! I’ve got an idea! You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you I’ll go with you You take the money and I take the bride
B: Have you got any experience
J: No But I’ve got this!
Act4
旁白：转眼已到了婚礼之期．太守之子意气风发的牵着新娘，兰芝盖着红盖头极不情愿跟在后边。
ABC&J: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!
A: The road is built by me!
B: And I planted one tree
C: If you want to go by this street---
ABC＆J: Give us all your money!
L: Johnny! I miss you so much!
MS: Who are you and where are you from Who rob my bride will be killed!
J: How dare you beat my wife! I will kill you!
J: Honey, how are you
L: I hurt a lot!
J: Don’t cry baby Eat this at once! I’ll go and fetch the medicine (下)
L: Wait for me!
那焦郎他本是庐江小吏，每日里到公府相见常稀。
在娘家学箜篌读书习礼，入焦门常独自夜织寒机。
睡眠迟还须要鸡鸣而起，日继夜夜继日从朝至暮永无休息，作媳妇实在难为。
奴每日在机房尽心竭力，为的是一家人吃饭穿衣。
可怜他在府中奉公洁己，又何曾贪贿赂，吸民膏，刮民脂，鱼肉乡邻，恶怕善欺。
夫廉洁妻应当助他行义，但愿他守清白一世不移。
奴织纺三日间断过五匹，妇人家本份事理所当为。
今夜晚却因何不如往日，一阵阵心慌乱难以支持。
织不完又恐怕婆婆生气，听她言催得我魄散魂飞。
刘兰芝成覆水伤心泪迸，拜别了高堂母再别夫君。
到你家数年来艰苦受尽，昼夜里伺颜色忍气吞声。
到今日无罪过反遭排摈，愿官人你不必重记前情。
对小姑道万福真心孝顺，从今后真成了陌路之人。
《孔雀东南飞》是一曲基于事实而形于吟咏的悲歌。其中，主人公刘兰芝、焦仲卿之死，表面上看来，是由于凶悍的焦母和势利的刘兄逼迫的结果。事实上，焦母、刘兄同样是封建礼教的受害者。因为焦母、刘兄的本意，并不想害死自己的儿子、自己的妹妹。
这从刘、焦死后，“两家求合葬”这样后悔不及的举动可以看出。——尽管这是他们对刘兰芝、焦仲卿生死不渝爱情的晚到的认可与祝福。他们主观上的出发点虽有利己的打算，但也有把维护自己亲人的终身幸福与自己的利益统一起来的愿望。
焦母刘兄是要在自己与焦仲卿、刘兰芝的利益之间找到一块平衡的绿地而共处。然而，他们没有成功。这里，问题的深刻性在于：刘兰芝、焦仲卿毕竟是直接通过他们的手被害死了。焦母、刘兄同时又成了封建礼教的帮凶。这种不以个别人意志为转移的社会力量，正是当时封建制度罪恶本质的必然反映。
扩展资料：
《孔雀东南飞》取材于东汉献帝年间发生在庐江郡（今安徽怀宁、潜山一带）的一桩婚姻悲剧。原题为《古诗为焦仲卿妻作》，因诗的首句为“孔雀东南飞，五里一徘徊”，故又有此名。全诗350余句，1700余字。主要讲述了焦仲卿、刘兰芝夫妇被迫分离并双双自杀的故事，控诉了封建礼教的残酷无情，歌颂了焦刘夫妇的真挚感情和反抗精神。
作为古代史上最长的一部叙事诗，《孔雀东南飞》故事繁简剪裁得当，人物刻画栩栩如生，不仅塑造了焦刘夫妇心心相印、坚贞不屈的形象，也把焦母的顽固和刘兄的蛮横刻画得入木三分。篇尾构思了刘兰芝和焦仲卿死后双双化为鸳鸯的神话，寄托了人民群众追求恋爱自由和幸福生活的强烈愿望。
《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）
本文来自: 恒星英语学习网( 详细出处参考：
焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)
太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)
Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
wifeisWuSong
(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hoodSheisbraverthanme,
smarterthanmeandstrongerthanmeAllthisIdonotcareIonlywanthertobetender
thanmeButsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
MyGod!Whocanhelpme(下)
Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!
(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum
JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”
L:OKMymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup
JM:SinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadlyYouhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashingIhaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour
sonI’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)
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