搞笑英语话剧剧本

　　孔雀东南飞

　　wander severy five miles

　　焦仲卿johnny(jforshort)刘兰芝lunch(lforshort)

　　焦母johnny’s mother(jmforshort)刘母lunch’s mother(lmforshort)

　　太守之子mayor’sson(msforshort)强盗burglars(a&b)

　　prologue

　　(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)

　　j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小声)while my

　　wife is wusong

　　(指着上台处的门大声道)i’m not afraid of you!

　　(内砸出一脸盆,j接住当成盾牌护着头) My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hoodshe is braver than me,smarter than me and stronger than me all this i don’t care i only want she to be tender than me but she is not! having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!

　　(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)

　　my god! who can help me(下)

　　act1

　　(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)

　　jm(拄拐棍上):(对门内)Lunch! Lunch! where are you

　　l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):i’m here! what’s up ，mum

　　jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother in law”

　　l:okmy most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up

　　jm:since you married my son you have behaved so badlyyou have been so rude, so brusque,so lazy……

　　l:but……

　　jm:never interrupt me!

　　l:never interrupt me! since i married your son, that terrible johnny,i have been working hard all day long,cooking and washing！ i have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken

　　and……

　　jm:but all those you have done aren’t as valuable as a grandson!

　　l(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh,you want a grandson(开始解围裙)go and ask your son i’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)

　　act2

　　(l拿着锅铲拨电话)

　　嘟嘟嘟嘟……

　　l:Hello,Is that mum!？

　　lm:Yes,honey,what happened

　　l:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law

　　Lm（大声啊大声）:see! when you insisted on marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly tupid and poor, but you did not listen to me！

　　l：but,mum……

　　lm:never interrupt me!

　　l:i’m not interrupting you！i just want to tell you that you are always right ok And i’ll marry whomever you want me to

　　lm(大喜):nice girl! just now, i met the mayor’s son in the markethe said:“if your daughter

　　haven’t been married,i really really want to marry her!”now you are free again, i ’ll go

　　and tell him（挂电话）

　　l(握着电话，惊愕):what the mayor’s sonthe most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood (手中的锅

　　铲掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)

　　act3

　　(j睡眼惺忪上)

　　j(边走边道):lunch! lunch! where are my socks

　　(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)here they are!(闻一下) er! how smelly!

　　(突然想起)lunch has gone! i have to wash them myself

　　jm(上):where’s my breakfast where’s Lunch

　　j:mum, can’t you rememberLunch has gone!

　　jm(沉吟片刻):well, a son without a wife is useless Lunch is a nice girl,go and take her back!

　　j(立正敬礼):yes madam!

　　act4

　　(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

　　a:（伸手拦路）stop!

　　the road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

　　b:and i planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上，但踩到了a的脚，a抱脚跳做痛苦状)

　　b:if you want to go by this street---

　　a、b:give us all your money!

　　j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角纸币):is 1mao enough

　　(2强盗晕倒状，接着聚在一边商量)

　　a:what bad luck! this guy is broken!

　　b:if we cannot rob any money today,we will have no thing to eat tonight!

　　a:Hey,i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liulanzhi next weekwe can go and rob the wedding!

　　b:good idea!

　　j(惊讶):what what lunch is going to get married it’s impossible!

　　a&b:why

　　j:Lunch is my wife! we haven’t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)Oh!you are going to rob the wedding, don’t you i’ll go with you you take the money and i take the bride

　　b:have you got any experience

　　j:no but i’ve got this!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)

　　act5

　　(转眼已到婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，l盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

　　(j和三强盗跃至台中)

　　ab&j:Stop!

　　a:the road is built by me!

　　b:and i planted one tree

　　j:if you want to go by this street---

　　ab&j:give us all your money!

　　(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)

　　l(惊喜万分):johnny!(飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)

　　(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)

　　j(火冒三丈):how dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向ms冲去）

　　(j与ms混战，操起锅铲击晕ms，将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

　　j(扶起l，关切地问):honey, how are you

　　l(哭状):i hurt a lot!

　　j:don’t cry babyi’ll go and fetch the medicine (下)

　　l(起身去追):wai……wait for me! (跑下)

　　END

Wanders every five miles

焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)

焦母Johnny's mother(JM for short)刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)

太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)强盗Burglars(ABandC) (J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)

J:Every body says that I'm henpecked,but in fact,I’m as strong as a tiger,(小声)while my

wife is Wu Song

(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!

(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’m afraid of whom

My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hoodShe is braver than me,

smarter than me and stronger than meAll this I do not careI only want her to be tender

than meBut she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!

(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)

My God!Who can help me(下)

Act1

(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)

JM(拄拐棍上):I can!

(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you

L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here!What’s up mum

JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and

dearest mother-in-law”

L:OKMy most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up

JM:Since you married my son you have be haved so badlyYou have been so rude,so brusque,so

lazy……

L:But……

JM:Never interrupt me!

L:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all

day long,cooking and washingI have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken

and……

JM:But all those you have done a renotas valuable as a grandson!

L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,you want a grandson,don’t you(开始解围裙)Goandas k your

sonI’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下) Act2

(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)

L:Mum,I’m back!

LM:You are backWhyWhat happened

L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law

LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on

marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor,but you did not listen

to meLook at yourself……

L:But,mum……

LM:Never interrupt me!

L:Mum,I’m no tinterrupting youI just want to tell you that you are always right OKAnd

I’ll marry whom ever you want me to

LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now,I met the mayor’s son in the marketHe said:“If your daughter

Haven’t been married,I really really want to marry her!”Now you are free again,I’ll go

and tell him(下)

L(惊愕):WhatThe mayor’s sonThe most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood(手中的锅

铲掉在地上)What a silly thing I have done!(下) Act3

(J睡眼惺忪上)

J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks

(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下) Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!

(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself

(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围

裙)This is what Lunch always wears!I miss her so much,and her excellent cooking skill!Now

she has goneI have to cook for my mother and myself

JM(上):Where’s my breakfastWhere’s LunchHasn’t she got up yet

J:Mum,can’t you rememberLunch has gone!

JM(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,as on without a wife is uselessLunch is a nice

girl,go and take her back!

J(立正敬礼):Yes madam! Act4

(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

A:Hey you!Stop and listent to us!

The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)

C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)

AB&C:Give us all your money!

J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1 mao enough

(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)

A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!

B:If we cannot rob any money today,we will have nothing to eat tonight!

C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next monthWE can go and

rob the wedding!

A&B:Good idea!

J(惊讶):WhatWhatLunch is going to get marriedIt’s impossible!

AB&C:WhyA pretty girl and a rich man,what a good couple!

J:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!

(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding,don’t youI’ll go

with youYou take the money and I take the bride

B:Have you got any experience

J:NoBut I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000) Act5

(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

(J和三强盗跃至台中)

ABC&J:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!

A:The road is built by me!

B:And I planted one tree

C:If you want to go by this street---

J:Give us all your money!

(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)

L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)

(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)

J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向MS冲去）

(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)

(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,how are you

L(哭状):I hurt a lot!

J:Don’t cry babyI’ll go and fetch the medicine (下)

L(起身去追):Wait for me! (跑下)

(音乐起 Can You Celebrate)